I just wanna go outside

Why is it that as you age, it takes more and more time to look presentable to go out?

When you were a child, you threw on some shorts and a shirt and went outside to play. You may or may not have brushed your teeth or your hair, and it really didn’t matter to you.

When you were an adolescent, you spent a lot of time primping in front of the mirror. Perfect hair was the goal, and for girls, make-up was a new experimental thing. This mirror-time was spent in hopes of attracting the perfect cutie, in order to tell your friends that you attracted said cutie.

When you were in your twenties, you started whitening your teeth and going to the tanning salon to make yourself look fresh and healthy. What else could you look like in your twenties, but fresh and healthy?

When you were in your thirties, you spent more time moisturizing and trying to avoid looking like you pulled an all-nighter, even though your bedtime is nine. Your clothes began to not fit quite as well as they used to, so you spent a lot of time in your closet, looking for ways to cover up those “problem” areas.

In my forties, I’m spending more and more time on wrinkle stuff and hair dye. My daily routine goes as such…

Scrub face with new-fangled contraption I saw on TV and had to buy

Apply whitening strips

Rinse whitening strip crap off hands

Shower with nice smelling soap

Loofah elbows and heels

Wash hair with nice smelling shampoo

Rinse nice smelling shampoo

Condition hair with nice smelling conditioner

Shave (in more places than I’ll admit)

Rinse nice smelling conditioner

Wrap hair in super-absorbent luxurious towel

Towel off with super-absorbent luxurious second towel

Remove whitening strips

Brush teeth with extra-whitening, baking soda, tarter control toothpaste

Apply nice smelling deodorant

Apply nice smelling face lotion

Apply nice smelling body lotion to dry areas

(yes, this is a different lotion than the face lotion)


Apply make-up

Spend five minutes with tweezers

Change mirrors at least twice to get better light

Change clothes

Dry hair, hanging upside-down for maximum fullness

Style hair using curling iron, straightener, crimper, blow dryer, etc.

Reset fuse box

Use nice smelling hairspray to hold hair perfectly in place

Change clothes again

Search for the perfect shoes

Re-do hair

Add more nice smelling hairspray

Change clothes again to match shoes

Apply perfume

Add jewelry

Complain about not having the perfect earrings

Check hair again

Spray again

Frown into full-length mirror

Shrug and walk out the door

If I am going someplace which requires dressy attire and stockings, add 35 minutes.

This doesn’t even include the time spent earlier at the hair dressers, the nail place, the gym, the tanning salon, or the hours and hours spent searching for flaw-hiding clothing.

Why can’t I just throw on some shorts and a shirt and go outside and play?

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