Plundering the Romance Novel by Ionia Martin

51t2fcaBeRL._SX383_BO1,204,203,200_I just finished reading the funniest book I’ve read in a long time. I trotted over to Amazon to leave a review. In their little pop-up, they asked me if there was sexual content in the book. I’m not sure how to answer that question, so I left it blank.

I will say, though, that this book is short, sweet, and hilarious. It is told by the hero, narrator, author, and your choice of two heroines. You can tell them apart by the color of their flowing locks. Watch out for the potato sack race which had me spitting my drink onto my Kindle. A MUST-READ for any romance fan or writer…especially writer. I encourage all of my author friends and anyone who loves a good romance novel to go get this book…TODAY…RIGHT NOW. Click HERE. If you hate romance novels, you’ll like it even more.

It is written by our friend and fellow blogger Ionia Martin from Readful Things. Below is her blurb that I copied from Amazon, and make sure you stop by her blog. I linked it above for your convenience.

Description: A silly, satirical romp into the land of romance novels and pirate adventures, full of romance clichés and humour. This book is a short novella, just over 10k words.

Have you ever wondered what goes on in the minds and hearts of romance novel heroes and heroines? No? Good, because this book won’t be helpful with that at all.

If romance clichés drive you mad and you like Monty Python style humour, this may be the perfect book for you.

From the twisted mind of a sometimes writer and lifelong reader, you are certain to have less brain cells than you started with after reading this book.

Captain Stormy is the typical romance hero/villain archetype. He follows the Romance Hero Handbook to the letter, but he is about to figure out that nothing in his guidebook is going to prepare him for the trials he’s about to face.

Uncooperative heroines, lack of treasure, severely delayed sex scenes, a missing crew and an old man’s butt cheeks later, Stormy has a story to tell you.

Even pirates have bad days.

*contains some mature themes and language

It’s Monday! What are you reading?

2a2This week, I read Sisters in Love by Melissa Foster. It is the first in the Snow Sisters series. I enjoyed Lovers at Heart, the first in the Braden series, so I thought I’d give another of her books a read.

 

81bwpEZY1vL._SL1500_Sisters in Love is the story of Danica Snow, an uptight therapist, and Blake Carter, a player, who after the sudden death of his friend decides he needs to become a better person. He makes an appointment with Danica and…well, you can already see where this is going. There are also a handful of other characters: Danica’s whorish younger sister, a young goth girl with too many issues to count who Danica is playing ‘big sister’ to, the young girl’s grandmother and alcoholic mother, the dead friend’s angry wife and moody son, and the dead friend’s old girlfriend and illegitimate son who no one knew about. See where I’m going with this? The characters all have heavy, dark sides which is not the light, romance novel I was anticipating. There was also a moment when Danica spoke with the alcoholic woman’s therapist, who gave Danica tons of private information about the alcoholic woman. That moment was so wrong from an ethical standpoint, yet I could have overlooked it if Danica hadn’t spent the whole book telling herself she couldn’t fall for Blake because it would be unethical. For someone so concerned with ethics, she must think they apply only to her, yet she spends the entire story explaining how she’s the smart one of her family. Not too smart, if you ask me.

Ms. Foster’s writing is awesome, and I read the whole book, waiting for the payoff of Danica and Blake getting together, but it came way at the end of the book and there were no fireworks. The issues with the plot and the host of dark, dreary characters didn’t make for good romance. In the end, none of the issues were resolved except for Danica and Blake ending up in bed. She’s needy, he’s a jerk. I’ll give ’em six months.

I think I’ll go back to the Braden series, where the men are super hot, and there are no medical ethics to muck up the relationships.

If you want to give it a shot, you can pick it up here – Sisters in Love on Amazon.

 

It’s Monday! What are you reading?

2a2This week, I jumped out of my usual historical novels straight into a contemporary romance.

I read “Lovers at Heart” by Melissa Foster.

I’m familiar with Ms. Foster’s work as we travel in the same writing circles. I don’t know how she has time to do all she does, but she owns World Literary Press, runs a website, FB page, and Twitter for World Literary Cafe, mentors new writers at Fostering Success, and she releases a new book, I swear, every month. She specializes in contemporary romance. Honestly, contemporary anything is not really my favorite, so I’ve never paid much attention to the titles, but last week she had a sale at Amazon and I picked up one of her books.

915wyNuK-iL._SL1500_OMG! This was the most fun I’ve had reading in a long time. I understand why Ms. Foster is the top of her game in this genre.

Max (female) and Treat (male)…so fun and silly already!…have a love/hate relationship, and their attraction and sexual tension grabs you from the first page. It’s a romance story, so you know they’ll get together at the end, but what a fun ride watching them get there.

There were back-stories for Max and Treat, hers being abuse from an old boyfriend, his being the after-effects of the death of his mother, which needed to be faced before they could allow themselves to fall in love. Awww. Two broken people healing each other through love is sweet, but truthfully, the back-stories were a little confusing as Max and Treat do not come across as broken in the least.

On the whole, Ms. Foster is a fabulous writer, and this book is a fun ride with great characters and a satisfying ending. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a romance novel, and I couldn’t put the thing down until Max and Treat finally got together.

On a side note: Treat is one of five or six totally hot Braden brothers who each have their own book. Guess who’s going to go read Rex Braden’s story next!

Ms. Foster’s Amazon Page

Fostering Success

World Literary Cafe

Saturday Snippet – SAVANNAH’S BLUEBIRD

bluebird_small webSavannah’s Bluebird is a love story with a ghostly twist.

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The bells rang from atop the steeple as Savannah struggled to pull open the ancient wooden door of the church. When she entered, she saw the backs of the heads of dozens of people sitting in the pews. She stopped in the vestibule and awaited the organ music to announce her entrance. She ran her gloved hand over her dark brown hair, adjusted her pillbox hat, pulled the tulle veil over her face, and smoothed down her ivory wedding gown. In her other hand, she clutched a dainty bouquet of white roses with sprays of baby’s breath. The smell filled her nostrils.

After a few moments, the organist at the front of the church played a fanfare and immediately followed with the “Wedding March.” She inhaled deeply and took a small step forward. After a pause, she took another step…and another. She hesitated, thinking it strange that the crowd didn’t rise and turn to face her. She inched forward again, pausing between steps. Surely the congregation would rise when the minister instructed them to do so, but she didn’t know what he was waiting for. She put a smile on her face as she admired the sun shining through the stained-glass windows, creating a mosaic of bright colors across the room, but as she reached the halfway mark of her grand entrance, the room darkened. The sun had disappeared behind a cloud, and the vibrant colors that bathed the room turned a dismal shade of gray. Her smile vanished also.

It was difficult to see through the netted veil, but she could have sworn she saw something large sitting in the center of the altar. She narrowed her eyes and, yes indeed, something was there. At the top of three small steps that led up to the altar, a white coffin rested in front of the minister’s podium. It was surrounded by beautiful sprays of flowers—roses, carnations, chrysanthemums, daisies. The sight reminded her of her father’s funeral and her head swam with the painful memory. She looked down at her bouquet and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, her breath caught deep in her chest as she watched her beautiful white roses faded from white to gray to black—black and dead. The leaves shriveled and a few of the petals gently fell from their stems, fluttering to the floor. She tightly clutched the bouquet and quickly pulled her left hand away when a thorn poked through her glove and punctured the skin of her palm. She saw the small hole in the satin fabric, but there was no blood.

She squeezed her hand into a fist to make the pain stop, and looked back up at the altar. Why was there a coffin on the altar, and where was August? Why was her groom not there to greet her? She staggered a bit as she took another step forward. The “Wedding March” kept pounding from the organ and she kept inching forward. She placed her hand over her heart in an effort to make it beat normally. Remembering the puncture wound, she looked down at her dress to make sure there was no blood on the bodice. She stopped dead in her tracks.

Her beautiful wedding gown was no longer ivory; it was now black. She thought she would faint, and looked up to search the crowd for someone to help her. When she looked through the mesh of her veil, she noticed it too had turned black. Panic rose in her chest and her throat constricted. The next breath wouldn’t come. She felt her knees quiver and she didn’t know if she could take another step. Her mouth opened and closed like that of a fish gasping for air, but she couldn’t form any words. She looked left and right at her family and friends, but no one looked back at her. They all stared straight ahead. It was as if they didn’t see her.

She stumbled forward a few more steps and noticed her soon-to-be stepdaughter, Emma, sitting alone in the second pew. She approached Emma and noticed tears running down the girl’s face, dripping off her chin and leaving dark spots on her pink cotton dress. She reached toward Emma, but stopped when the “Wedding March” turned into Chopin’s “Funeral March.” She looked up at the organ on the right side of the altar, but the organist did not look back at her.

Was Savannah in the wrong place?

She spun around in what felt like slow motion and looked at the stained-glass windows, the pews, the high, scallop-shaped ceiling. No, this was her childhood church—Fisherman’s Church. She had been coming here since she was a baby. Was she here on the wrong date? She turned again and looked at the people. She knew every one of them. She had invited every one of them. She knew it was August 25, 1936—her wedding day. Why was Emma here at a funeral? Why was she crying? More importantly, who was in the coffin?

She spun again and faced the coffin on the altar. Was she losing her mind? Where was August? Terror filled her as adrenaline rose like flames up the back of her neck.

Two men she had never seen before, dressed in black suits, stepped forward and gently opened the coffin’s lid, and Savannah saw the inside of the lid was lined with blood-red satin. Who is in there? And why was there a funeral here on her wedding day?

She climbed the three steps to the altar and placed her hand on the side of the coffin. She reluctantly looked inside.

It was a woman—a dark-haired woman in an ivory wedding dress.

She gazed down into her own face and heard a scream escape her lips.

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Savannah’s Bluebird is available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and iTunes.